What If We Were Real
by Tsukikami Moyizawa
Summary: I want to be yours. I don't want to belong to anyone else, and I don't want anyone else to belong to you.


I want to sleep with you. Not to have sex with you, but to just sleep. I want to know that I'm not alone, even in the dark places where usually I can hear nothing but my own breath and the steady rhythm of my own heart. I want to close my eyes with my head on your chest and open them again with your arms around me. I don't want to be your lover. I want to be your one, your only, love.

I'd known you since the beginning of high school. We were in the final stages of college now. We were best friends, but that was all. I told you everything, as did you. Except one thing. I didn't tell you that I loved you as more than the brother you acted like to me. I pretended that I saw you as that brother, and that was it. I pretended it didn't make my heart flutter when you came up to me and hugged me the first time you saw me in the halls in the morning. I pretended I didn't die a little when I saw you holding that other girl's hand. I pretended I didn't keep thinking, "That should be me. Why isn't that me?" I'd want to be the one whose hand was in yours. I wanted your lips to be touching mine, not hers. You thought I was happy for you. That should have been me in your arms. Not her. Never her.

We shared an apartment in that last year of college, sleeping in separate rooms of course. One night, you came home from a date with your girlfriend upset. I didn't ask what had happened, but I made you hot chocolate and sat by you on the couch in silence as you drank it. When you set down your empty mug, I asked you what happened. You told me you had broken up with your girlfriend. I asked you why. You said there was someone else more important to you. I didn't ask who it was, but I was disappointed. Another girl I'd have to smile around and pretend to like. I told you to go to bed, and you said you would. I went into my room, and I sat on the bed, crying again. Because there would be girl after girl for you, and I would still be here, by your side, but never in your heart.

It was sometime past midnight. I was lying in the middle of my bed, staring up at the ceiling, unable to sleep. I heard a soft knock on my door, and curiously got up to open it. I was surprised to see you in my doorframe, concern etched on your face. You told me you heard me crying, and asked if something was wrong. I told you I just couldn't sleep, because I couldn't get comfortable, and it was too quiet and cold in my room. Then you said something I had never heard you say before, and never in my wildest dreams imagined you saying. You asked me, shyly, nervously, if I would want to come into your room and sleep with you. I was shocked, but receptive. You made sure to let me know that you weren't going to try anything sexual. I laughed and let you lead me by the hand back to your room. You let me slide into one side of the bed and then you slid into the other. The problem was that our beds were very small. I slept facing you, but you had your back to me. But I could feel your presence next to me, and I could hear your breathing. That was enough for me. I fell asleep soon after that.

I woke up in the wee hours, around 2 or 3, to the feeling of something soft and gentle on my forehead. I opened my eyes to find you pressing your lips against my forehead. I reached out my hand and my fingers brushed your chest. You stopped abruptly and looked down at me. You started apologizing. You said you weren't thinking and that you shouldn't have done that. I couldn't help but notice how very close together our faces were, and I couldn't help myself. I interrupted you by leaning in and brushing my lips against yours. You took this as the go-ahead and finally, FINALLY, kissed me. Sparks flew from my lips to my stomach and back again. It was electrically charged. I felt you gasp against my lips. You had apparently felt it too. You ran your fingers up my arm and I got goosebumps. I put my hand on your shoulder, and was surprised when instead of the cloth of your shirt I expected to feel, I came in contact directly with your skin. You pressed your hand to my back and your mouth harder against mine, pulling me towards you. I braced my palms flat against your chest and broke away, leaning my forehead against yours. You wrapped your arms around me, and I snuggled up against your warm body. You kissed the top of my head. "I." You kissed my temple. "Love." You kissed my cheek. "You." I looked up at you and kissed your lips briefly. "I love you too."


End file.
